THE ARGUMENT: Some important politicing is going on in the Forum. No midwives can be found to assist the delivery of two pregnant women, a wife and a mistress. Since they both belong to his master, the slave Pseudolus is forced to deliver two babies at one time. The scene is a cramped tenement in ancient Rome. The wife and the mistress live in adjoining apartments. While his master was away at war, Pseudolus was having a secret affair with his master's mistress. When the master returns he finds both of his women pregnant. The master fears tht his affair with his mistress will be revealed to his wife. He tells Pseudolus his dilemma and begs him to find a way out of it. Finally, seeing the advantage for himself, Pseudolus agrees to help, but only on the condition that he will be freed if he rectifies the problem. The master, desperate for speedy assistance, agrees. Every time the mistress has a contraction, she screams, "Pyrgopolynices!" The wife, in between her contractions, begins to wonder why this strange woman is calling her husband. The wife becomes enraged that her husband has been cheating, but the husband denies everything and walks out. Meanwhile, Pseudolus is exhausted running back and forth trying to keep up with both impending deliveries. He calls to the master to boil water and bring fresh towels. Pseudolus runs next door and finds the master with the towels on his head and a drink in his hand. The new parents are ecstatic over the birth of a son. However the wife wants to know why the woman in the next room is still screaming her husband's name. The master cracks under all the pressure, and starts to confess, but Pseudolus calls for his help with the other delivery. The mistress delivers a dark-skinned baby who resembles Pseudolus. The master looks at Pseudolus threatenly, but his wife calls him back to berate him. When Pseudolus comes in with the mistress' baby wife's suspicions are resolved. The master is off the hook but is furious that his slave has been carrying on an affair with his mistress behind his back. Although he doesn't want to free Pseudolus, he is forced to keep quiet so his wife won't find out. All live happy in the city of Athens.

CHARACTERS:
Pseudolus -- Slave, clever, witty -- masterminds the plot (Elaine)
Meretrix -- Courtesan & Mistress (Kim)
Pyrgopolynices - Master (Chauntea)
Matrona -- Wife (Kim)

The two women lay in their beds on opposite sides of the stage: Meretrix on the left and Matrona on the right. Both are in labor. Pyrgopolynices enters in the middle of the stage and looks back and forth at both women, then at the audience: Pyrgopolynices: Mercy me, I'm ruined! from the right Matrona: By Hercules, husband, fetch that impudent rascal of a slave! from the left Meretrix: Oh Juno Lucina, help me, save me, please! Pyrgopolynices: (to audience) I dread to think what's coming next! (He enters the room of Matrona. She is lying on her back with her legs spread up in the air, breathing heavily.) Good heavens! Matrona experiences a contraction and screams loudly. Pyrgopolynices quickly covers her body, including her head, with a large blanket. He leaves and enters the room of his mistress, calling for Pseudolus. Meretrix: Good heavens, lover, my pain is endless! Oh, my back, my belly, my legs! Pyrgopolynices: I must fetch a slave before it's too late! (Pseudolus enters from the right. He takes one look at Matrona and runs out of the room to find his master) Pyrgopolynices: Good heavens Pseudolus! (Pyrgopolynices grabs his slave by the shoulders) Pseudolus: Master, you're hurting me! What have I done to deserve this? Pyrgopolynices: Two women lay in labor, both with children of mine. There is no one else. (He kneels praying) I beg you, slave, please save me! (Pseudolus stands for a moment in silence with his chin resting in his hand) Pseudolus: I may do you this favor, for a price of course. Pyrgopolynices: (Pyrgopolynices stands upright immediately) Now look here, slave, I would rather make myself a slave than ever set you free. (from the right) Matrona: Curses on all men! (from the left) Meretrix: Oh,Pyrgopolynices! Pyrgopolynices: (to Pseudolus) By Pollux, slave, do what you must! Pseudolus: (Pseudolus, seeing his master's dilemma) By Hercules, I am no fool. You want my help? I will give it only for a price. Pyrgopolynices: Fine, slave, I will make you free, (he grabs Pseudolus by his shirt collar and lifts him off the floor) but only if you are successfull. from the right) Matrona: Do stop dawdling! (from the left) Meretrix: Oh, Pyrgopolynices! I cannot breathe! (from the right) Matrona: To hell with you! (from the left) Meretrix: Oh no, no! Pseudolus runs to the Meretrix,then to the Matrona, running back and forth while trying to think of a plan. Meanwhile, Pyrgopolynices stands alone between the two rooms, dumbfounded. Slowly, he begins to slide to the ground in desperation. Eventually, Pseudolus has a plan. He stops in the Matrona's room, points his finger in the air as if to show he has an idea. He runs to his master and trips over him. Pseudolus: Oh what a thing to do! (Not noticing his master's distress, Pseudolus runs into the kitchen located behind the stage and returns with dampened facecloths. He gives one to Pyrgopolynices) Here, master, place this on your wife's forehead, for I believe it will soothe her pain. (Pseudolus runs into the room of the Meretrix. Pyrgopolynices remains on the floor and places the cloth on his own forehead) Pseudolus: Mercy me! (He places the cloth on her forehead) I can see that your body is more than ready to rid itself of this small wonder. I must fetch my master. (Pseudolus runs to Pyrgopolynices, who is still lying on the floor) Pseudolus: Master, master! Your lady is waiting! Do go and see what you have created! (Pseudolus, still not noticing his master's distress, grabs the cloth from his forehead and runs into the room of the Matrona. In his haste, he trips and his head accidentally falls between the Matrona's raised legs.) Matrona: Don't touch me, you brute! You impudent rascal! Oh, by Hercules, heaven strike you dead for scaring a poor woman out of her wits! I'll pay you back, I swear I will! (Pseudolus remains quiet underneath the sheet while the Matrona catches her breath. He raises his head slowly, eyes wide open. A baby's crying can be heard from underneath the sheet. He lifts the newborn up to his chest) Matrona: (staring at Pseudolus with her eyes wide open, she whispers) Well, what is it? Pseudolus: (also in a whisper) It's a baby, madam. (Pseudolus hands over the baby to the Matrona; he exits) Pyrgopolynices is sitting upright on the floor. Pseudolus is still ignorant of his master's state. He enters the room of the Meretrix. She is lying down, covering her face with a pillow to muffle her cries. Pseudolus: (to audience) I dread to think what's coming next. (Pseudolus puts his head under her sheet and brings the baby out. The Meretrix takes one look at the baby and passes out. The baby is dark-skinned, like Pseudolus) Aye, me, my back is dead! Pyrgopolynices: (Pyrgopolynices finally snaps out of it and enters into the room of the Meretrix. He looks at the newborn baby in Pseudolus' hands) Slave, what is that? Pseudolus: (to audience) What have I done? Pyrgopolynices: My dear man, is that what I think it is? (Pyrgopolynices attempts to take the baby from his slave. Pseudolus turns away, hovering over the baby) What's that? Can't I lay hands on my own property? (Pyrgopolynices wraps his arms around Pseudolus and takes hold of the baby at last. When he sees it, he gasps and looks up at Pseudolus) What have you done? (from the right) Matrona: Husband is that you I hear? Pyrgopolynices gives the baby back to Pseudolus; Pseudolus places the baby on the Meretrix, pretending that she is awake. Pyrgopolynices: (to Pseudolus) Well, what say you to that? ( points at the baby and then to courtesan) Pseudolus: I hadn't any intention of insulting you, master. I did it for love of her. (from the right) Matrona: By Artemis, goddess of Tauris, if you go near that girl, Pyrgopolynices, I'll rip the hair right out of your head. Pseudolus tries to hide. Pyrgopolynices enters the room of his wife and finds that he has a new son. He forgets about Meretrix and Pseudolus, but Matrona is suspicious. She demands to see the other baby. Pseudolus enters the Matrona's room with the dark-skinned baby. Matrona shows relief and settles in her bed. Both men walk out to the center of the stage, each holding his own baby. Pyrgopolynices: I see the truth at last; my eyes were clouded. Pseudolus: By Pollux, I rejoice! I have a son! Pyrgopolynices: Yes, by Pollux! Pseudolus: (impatient) Is there any reason to delay the freedom that you promised? Pyrgopolynices: (to Pseudolus) 'Be thou free.'