Pseudonipio

The plot involves Pseudolus, a slave, who delivers two babies at one time. He is delivering one baby from his master's wife and another baby from his master's mistress. Some important politicing is going on at the market and all attendants and slaves are given the day off. No midwives can be found so Pseudolus is forced by his master to deliver the babies.

The scene takes place in a cramped tenement in ancient Rome. The wife and the mistress live side by side and share an adjoining wall. In addition, while his master was away at war, Pseudolus has been carrying on a secret affair with master's mistress. The master is back from battle and when he returns he finds both women pregnant. The master is made very anxious by all the excitement and realizes his secret affair will soon be told. The master has confided in his slave about his dilemma and has begged for his slave to think of a clever way out of it. Pseudolus, after much begging by the master, decides that he will help, but only on the condition that he will be freed if he rectifies the problem for him. The master, being desperate and scarce on time, agrees to free him if he can get him out of this jam.

Every time the mistress has a contraction she screams, "Oh, Pyrgopolynices!" The wife, in between her contractions, begins to wonder why this strange woman would be calling her husband's name out. The wife becomes enraged that her husband has been cheating and the husband denies the affair completely and says he knows nothing about why this woman is calling his name, then he runs out in the hall to escape her badgering. The master can't take the pressure and is slumped over at a table in the hall.

Pseudolus is exhausting himself, running back and forth trying to keep up with both impending deliveries. Pseudolus screams out to the master to boil some water and get some fresh towels. Pseudolus runs to the next room to check on the wife and finds the master with the towels on his head, having poured himself a drink. Pseudolus, busy with the happenings of the houses, is ignorant of his master's sullen state.

The new parents are temporarily ecstatic with the birth of a son. The wife wants an answer about the woman in the next room who is still screaming his name. The master begins to crack under all the pressure, and as he starts to confess, Pseudolus screams for his help with the other delivery. The mistress delivers a dark-skinned baby who strangely resembles Pseudolus. The master looks at Pseudolus and wants to kill him, but the wife is calling for her husband to come to her. The wife continues to berate her husband, but Pseudolus comes in with the mistress' baby and dissolves the wife's suspicions. The master is absolved of his problem but is furious that his slave has been carrying on an affair with his mistress while he has been at war. He is very mad that he has agreed to free Pseudolus because he really wants to kill him, but he is forced to keep quiet because his wife will find out that he really has been having an affair with the mistress. All are happy in the city of ancient Athens.

Characters:
Pseudolus -- Slave, clever, witty -- masterminds the plot (Elaine)
Meretrix -- Courtesan–Mistress (Kim)
Pyrgopolynices - Master (Chauntea)
Matrona – Wife (Kim)

The two women lay in their beds on opposite sides of the stage: Meretrix on the left and Matrona on the right. Both are in labor. Pyrgopolynices enters in the middle of the stage and looks back and forth at both women, then at the audience:

Pyrgopolynices: Mercy me, I'm ruined!

(from the right)

Matrona: By Hercules, husband, fetch that impudent rascal of a slave!

(from the left)

Meretrix: Oh Juno Lucina, help me, save me, please!

Pyrgopolynices: (to audience) I dread to think what's coming next! (He enters the room of Matrona. She is lying on her back with her legs spread up in the air, breathing heavily.) Good heavens!

Matrona experiences a contraction and screams loudly. Pyrgopolynices quickly covers her entire body, including her head, with a large blanket from under the bed. He exits her room and enters the room of his mistress, all the while calling for his slave, Pseudolus.

Meretrix: Good heavens, lover, my pain is endless! Oh, my back, my belly, my legs!

Pyrgopolynices: I must fetch me a slave before it's too late! (Pseudolus enters from the right. He takes one look at Matrona and runs out of the room to find his master)

Pyrgopolynices: Good heavens Pseudolus!

(Pyrgopolynices grabs his slave by the shoulders)

Pseudolus: My master, your grip is strong! What have I done to deserve such a grasp?

Pyrgopolynices: Two women lay in labor, both with children of mine. There is no one else to do such a task. (He kneels praying) I beg you slave, please save me from these unfortunate women! (Pseudolus stands for a moment in silence with his chin resting in his hand)

Pseudolus: I may do your favor, for a price of course.

Pyrgopolynices: (Pyrgopolynices stands upright immediately) Now look here, slave, I would rather make myself a slave than ever set you free.

(from the right)

Matrona: Damn it!

(from the left)

Meretrix: Oh,Pyrgopolynices!

Pyrgopolynices: (to Pseudolus) By Pollux, slave, do what you must!

Pseudolus: (Pseudolus, seeing his master's dilemma) By Pollux, master. I am no fool; do not treat me as such. You want my help; I will give it only for a price.

Pyrgopolynices: Fine, slave, I will bid you free, (he grabs Pseudolus by his shirt collar and lifts him off the floor) but only if you do this successfully.

(from the right)

Matrona: Do stop dawdling!

(from the left)

Meretrix: Oh, Pyrgopolynices! I cannot breathe!

(from the right)

Matrona: To hell with you!

(from the left)

Meretrix: Oh no, no!

Pseudolus runs to the Meretrix and then to the Matrona. He continues to run back and forth between the two, while trying to think of a plan. Meanwhile, Pyrgopolynices stands alone in between the two rooms, dumbfounded. Slowly, he begins to whine and lower himself to the ground in agony. Eventually, Pseudolus has come up with something useful. He stops running while in the Matrona's room and points his finger in the air, as if to show he has an idea. He runs to his master, who has curled up in a ball on the floor, and trips over him.

Pseudolus: Oh what a thing to do! (Not noticing his master's distress, Pseudolus runs into the kitchen located behind the stage and returns with dampened facecloths. He gives one to Pyrgopolynices) Here, master, place this on your wife's forehead, for I believe it will soothe her pain.

(Pseudolus runs into the room of the Meretrix. Pyrgopolynices remains on the floor and places the cloth on his own forehead)

Pseudolus: Mercy me! (He places the cloth on her forehead) I can see that your body is more than ready to rid itself of this small wonder. I must fetch my master. (Pseudolus runs to Pyrgopolynices, who is still lying on the floor)

Pseudolus: Master, master! Your lady is waiting! Do go and see what you have created! (Pseudolus, still not noticing his master's distress, grabs the cloth from his forehead and runs into the room of the Matrona. In his haste, he trips and his head accidentally falls between the Matrona's raised legs.)

Matrona: Don't touch me, you brute! You impudent rascal! Oh, by Hercules, heaven strike you dead for scaring a poor woman out of her wits! I'll pay you back, I swear I will! (Pseudolus remains quiet underneath the sheet while the Matrona catches her breath. He raises his head slowly, eyes wide open. A baby's crying can be heard from underneath the sheet. He lifts the newborn up to his chest)

Matrona: (staring at Pseudolus with her eyes wide open, she whispers) Well, what is it?

Pseudolus: (also in a whisper) It's a baby, madam. (Pseudolus hands over the baby to the Matrona; he exits)

Pyrgopolynices is sitting upright on the floor. Pseudolus is still ignorant of his master's state. He enters the room of the Meretrix. She is lying down, covering her face with a pillow to muffle her cries.

Pseudolus: (to audience) I dread to think what's coming next. (Pseudolus puts his head under her sheet and brings the baby out. The Meretrix takes one look at the baby and passes out. The baby is dark-skinned, like Pseudolus) Aye, me, my back is dead!

Pyrgopolynices: (Pyrgopolynices finally snaps out of it and enters into the room of the Meretrix. He looks at the newborn baby in Pseudolus' hands) Slave, what is that?

Pseudolus: (to audience) What have I done?

Pyrgopolynices: My dear man, is that what I think it is? (Pyrgopolynices attempts to take the baby from his slave. Pseudolus turns away, hovering over the baby) What's that? Can't I lay hands on my own property? (Pyrgopolynices wraps his arms around Pseudolus and takes hold of the baby at last. When he sees it, he gasps and looks up at Pseudolus) What have you done?

(from the right)

Matrona: Husband is that you I hear?

Pyrgopolynices gives the baby back to Pseudolus; Pseudolus places the baby on the Meretrix, pretending that she is awake.

Pyrgopolynices: (to Pseudolus) Well, what say you to that? ( points at the baby and then to courtesan)

Pseudolus: I hadn't any intention of insulting you, master. I did it for love of her.

(from the right)

Matrona: By Artemis, goddess of Tauris, if you go near that girl, Pyrgopolynices, I'll rip the hair right out of your head.

Pseudolus jumps behind Pyrgopolynices and tries to hide. Pyrgopolynices enters the room of his wife and finds that he has a new son. He forgets about the incident with the Meretrix and Pseudolus. However, the Matrona is suspicious of the affair. She demands to see the Meretrix's baby. Pseudolus enters the Matrona's room with the dark-skinned baby. The Matrona shows relief and settles in her bed. Both men walk out to the center of the stage, each holding his own baby.

Pyrgopolynices: I see the truth at last; my eyes were clouded with some fog.

Pseudolus: By Pollux, I rejoice!

Pyrgopolynices: Yes, by Pollux!

Pseudolus: (impatient for himself) Is there any reason to delay the freedom that you promised?

Pyrgopolynices: (to Pseudolus) 'Be thou free.'

FINIS